you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
