i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I am spending my child support on dildos
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
