dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
