First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
