stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
