Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
