Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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