he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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