is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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