NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
try to milk me bitch
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
