what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
