my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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