Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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