bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
