i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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