I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
