just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
