Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
