Have you finally orgasmed yet?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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