Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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