Umm I'm too high to move.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
