youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
