I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
