the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
