textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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