I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
