Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
