there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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