rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
