Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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