If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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