you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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