just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
