the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
there is puke in my bra ... again
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