i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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