I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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