I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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