I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
