She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
