we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
