I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
