Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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