Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.

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