i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
