im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
