Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
