Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
