someone get that fucking seahorse.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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