i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
