i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
